I have a confession to make; I am a horrible person.
Here's the thing. Casting a show is hard. I mean, it's insanely difficult. I HAVE to believe that. A director gets really excited about a show, starts thinking about the different ways it could go, and hold auditions. And then said director has to work out the possibilities presented by everyone who came to auditions versus the way she wants her show to look, feel, sound, etc. There are a million different variables to consider, from whether a certain person is talented enough to do what needs to be done with a character, to whether that actor looks the part, to how that actor looks in comparison to the other actors and characters, to what you personally know about that person and how fast they learn, whether they're going to bother to show up to rehearsals, learn their lines, etc etc etc. The list could go on forever. Sometimes a person shows up to an audition and performs amazingly, but gets passed over for the part she desperately wants because she's too short/unknown, then has to watch from the chorus while a less talented actress plays the role she wanted. (In fact, this happens all the time.)
If you couldn't tell, I went to an audition on Saturday. Callbacks were yesterday, and the cast list is (supposedly) going to be posted sometime tomorrow. Today is a reprise of the cranky-flavored waiting game.
I know the director of this show; he directed the last show I was in. Don't tell him, but I dropped out of another show, just to come audition for this one. That's how much faith I had in this audition. During the last show I was in, he pulled me aside after rehearsal one day and told me that he knew I was frustrated with how I'd been cast, but that he thought I was really talented. He said some things that made it sound like he really wanted to cast me as a lead role in a musical. Which is what led me to drop out of a different show and come audition for this new one.
The audition itself went fine; I felt like I danced well, and I feel like I sang well. They didn't have me read, which worries me. (I'm not gonna lie; it worries me quite a bit.)
Here's the reason why I'm a horrible person, though. Because I understand that the director is going to do what's best for The Show. Despite the fact that he likes me and thinks I'm a great person, and knows that I'm really good at things like memorizing lines and showing up to rehearsal and singing insanely well (I'm not kidding, guys, my voice is awesome) and throwing a lot of energy into a stage performance. If I don't fit into the casting choices he needs to make to end up with the best show possible, he'll stick me in the chorus. He'll feel bad about it, no question. He knows I deserve better, and he knows I want better, and he's told me so. And I have no doubt that he'll tell me he's sorry and explain why I couldn't have a leading role (if I ask him to).
I don't care, though. I know myself and I know how I feel and react to things, and I KNOW that if I don't land a lead in this show, I'm gonna be really pissed off and bitter about it. That's why I'm a horrible person. Because I acknowledge that the choices he makes are going to be the right ones, but I also know that I'm going to be mad at him if he doesn't make the choices I want him to.
I know I should be a bigger person and say that whatever he does, I'll do the show and make it the best I can from wherever he puts me. But I don't WANT to be the bigger person on this one. I'm choosing to be an incredibly spoiled, "entitled" brat.
The good news is that I have a pint and a half of Ben and Jerry's in my freezer, just in case the news tomorrow is bad.